


Popsicle Love: a Bella and Edward Frozen Parody

by ObsessedtwibrarianOTB



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-19 23:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7381843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsessedtwibrarianOTB/pseuds/ObsessedtwibrarianOTB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A very short (and cold) parody of Edward and Bella's first meeting and sexual encounter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Train Wreck

**Author's Note:**

> This short story was inspired by a conversation on another site about the WTF moments in the saga and the numerous plot inconsistencies. The one topic that "arose" repeatedly was the question of how Edward could get and maintain an erection. Well, that got me to thinking, which led to this ridiculous parody. LOL If you have no sense of humor when it comes to Edward and the Cullens, then perhaps you shouldn't read this. No character will be spared in this story. I'll make fun of each and every one of them, including and especially our beloved Edward. (hehe) Just remember...it's all in fun! 
> 
> On a more serious note, I am a teacher in real life. I do not condone making fun of those among us who have developmental or physical disabilities. Making fun of special needs kids is tasteless and wrong. But this story is fiction, and these characters’ thoughts and actions are NOT my personal thoughts and actions. They belong solely to them. So, please don’t take offense. None is intended.

**~ BELLA ~**

I only had one word to say as I stared out at the rain gushing down out of the sky like God was taking the mother of all pees : Forks. Fucking ugh.

Okay, that was three words, but you should consider yourself lucky I was practicing restraint, or else you’d have gotten an epic length novel about the gloriousness (NOT) of this tropical mudforest my dad called home.

I missed Phoenix. I missed heat. I fucking HATED being cold and wet and eternally moldy. My mom knew these things about me; she knew I’d be miserable in dad’s hometown, but she didn’t care, obviously. She was currently in a new hormonal phase of her life and busy finding her “inner goddess” with Phil the Phallus.

Geez.

And don’t even get me started on Forks High School.  (Thank you for not getting me started. I could have gone on all day about that fucked up place.)

The first day of school was…(I’m shaking my head here, because I don’t even know if I can describe it to you good enough for you to understand the absurdity my life has now become.)  First of all, someone must have stuck a sign in the road at the entrance to town that said: “Welcome to Forks. Bring us your uncool, your weird, your totally fucked up and we’ll take them in and give them a home.” And once they got here, they all enrolled their spawn in Forks High School.

Okay. Now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve got me started. So, now I’m forced to give you the details about my first day at Forks High School:

Jessica Stanley looked at me like I was a cockroach. I looked at her like she was a whore.

Mike spent all day drooling over me. I spent all day ignoring his lame, retarded ass.

Lauren acted like a total bitch, so I _told_ her she was a total bitch.

Eric took my picture. I punched him out a la Sean Penn. (ON THE SHOULDER, not in the nose!!! Geez. I’m not that stupid. If I’m going to get suspended it’s going to be for something better than hitting the resident geek.)

Angela actually laughed at all of my antics. Hmm…I wonder if the city fathers knew they’d accidentally let two normal people slip into their town? (That would be me and Angela in case you weren’t paying attention.)

And Ben. (Sighing here) Ben was obviously a fallen angel who’d been sent down to earth as punishment for spilling his heavenly milk or something. He was too sweet. He couldn’t possibly be real. So, I wrote him off as a spirit and proceeded to ignore him.

Then there was the Cullens. OMG. What a complete train wreck that family was.   _Look away, Bella! Look away!!_ (Hehe)

“Do they all ride the small bus together?” I asked everyone at the lunch table.

BAM! Instant popularity. Apparently, making fun of the Cullens was a rite of passage at Forks High School. Forget standardized testing. If you could spend ten consecutive minutes making fun of the local Addams Family with assorted jokes and one-liners, you were officially intelligent and automatically passed on to the next grade. You became the instant center of attention, too.

“They’re supposedly brothers and sisters, but we think they’re all…together together,” Jessica whispered to me.

Wow, her two brain cells actually worked in conjunction. DUH. Anyone could see they were…*whispering*... together. The science teacher could have used them as a prime example for why you don’t screw your relatives. I wondered if anyone had told the Cullens that genetics and incest didn’t go together like a “horse and carriage”.

“They’re a freaking freak show.” That was Mike’s contribution to the convo. He laughed at his own joke. No one else did. Guess they’d already reached their lame saturation point a long time ago.

“Not all of them,” Jessica purred. She turned to me and dropped her voice. “Edward Cullen is fucking hawt! Just wait until you see him.”

I looked over at the train wreck table and didn’t see anyone I would remotely classify as hot. Not even lukewarm.

“Where is he?”

Mike rolled his eyes. “He’s always late. Late for class, late for lunch, late for assemblies, late for two-hour delays on snow days. Late for everything.”

“He just doesn’t have any sense of time. Some people are like that,” Angela said, defending him. Awwwwwwww, she was just too sweet.

Snickers went all around the table. Even Ben the Spirit snickered. Uh oh. My Juicy Gossip Radar Detector clicked on and went into “Seek” mode.

“So…why is he always late?” I asked curiously. _Come on people! Quit holding out on me! DISH!!!_

More snickers.

“He spends a LOT of time in the bathroom,” Mike said, wiggling his eyebrows in a bad imitation of Groucho Marx.

With her thumb and the tip of her index finger, Jessica grinned and started jacking off her straw. I watched in fascination. If she could make Coke spew out of the top of that straw and all over the table, she was going to be my new best friend, whore or not. That would just be too cool.  But no. Jacking off her coke wasn’t one of her gifts. She had to settle for sucking the Coke out. Hell, even I could do that! *yawn* Not impressed.

And then it happened.

If my first day at school would have been a movie, this really cool music would have started playing in the background—sexy music that matched the sultry sway of the guy’s hips who was just entering the cafeteria.

“It’s Edward!” Jessica hissed, clutching my knee in a death grip.

I kicked the shit out of her underneath the table and told her to get her lesbo hand off my leg. She yelped and removed her offending member, but neither one of us took our eyes off of the sight before us. In fact, everyone in the room was mesmerized. Or maybe they were shocked. Or perhaps bored? It was hard to tell with this bunch.

Oh, and there was no sexy music or sultry swaying of hips either. I laughed out loud. Couldn’t help it. Jessica Stanley was creaming her panties over the Michelin Man.

“What’s with the big-assed white Parka? It’s cold outside, but not that fucking cold.” Edward Cullen looked like he had on three layers of clothes and was prepared to trek across the polar ice cap any minute.

“He has his own unique style,” Angela said nicely.

Jessica rolled her eyes. “He wears parkas all the time. Every day. No matter the weather. Even if it’s hot, he’s got on a parka. He must have a whole garage full of those things, one to match every pair of pants that he owns.”

I had to admit to myself I was strangely fascinated. The only visible areas of Edward’s skin were his face and hands. The rest of him was completely covered and hidden beneath the bulky parka. It reminded me of those women in Arab countries who wore those burkas to try and hide their inner goddesses from the men around them. I was soooooooooo curious now. Was Edward hiding an “inner God”??

And it was like Jessica was reading my thoughts.

“No one’s ever seen what lies beneath that parka,” she said reverently.

“No one?” I asked.

“No one,” she affirmed. “Not even the school’s most skilled and proficient whore has made it underneath that parka, and that’s not me, by the way. I’m running a close second, though.”

Oh, pardon the fuck out of me. I’d just assumed that Jessica _was_ the school’s most proficient whore.

We all stared across the room as Edward stuffed himself into a plastic cafeteria chair with the rest of his weirdo family.  I made up my mind, right then and there.  I set a goal. (Fuck yeah! I’d actually paid attention during Life Skills class.)  I was going to kick the school’s most proficient whore (whoever the hell she was) off her lofty pile of condoms, and Jessica was going to be bumped down to third place.

My goal?  

I was going to get underneath that parka, if it was the last thing I did.

 

**~ EDWARD ~**

I waddled in and uncomfortably squeezed my bulk into the tiny chair.

“We got a new human today.”

I glanced at Emmett and cringed. It was amazing how I still wasn’t used to it, even after all these years. But at least he got a little bit of sympathy from the nicer of the humans for his “affliction”.

I couldn’t have cared less about the new human and told him so.

“But she’s looking at _you,_ Edward.” This came from Jasper, who seemed to be enjoying the fact that people were looking at someone besides him for once. I kind of felt sorry for him. His “disability” wasn’t a laughing matter, but that didn’t stop the humans from doing it every time he walked across a room. And yeah, sometimes I laughed, too. It was just too fucking funny.

I glanced at Rose. She looked really upset that there was a new human around, but of course, she always looked really upset. That was her “challenge” in this new life. And human girls could be so cruel. That’s why I stayed the hell away from them. I thought about telling her that her mascara was running, but I just wasn’t in the mood. I’d had a hard morning.

“Which one is the new human?” Alice whipped her head around, (she was always oblivious to everything around her because of those stupid visions of hers) and Jasper jumped.

“Damn it, darlin’! You’re going to put my eye out with those things some day!”

Alice’s spiky hair was deadly. Jasper was covered in faint scars from the damage she’d done to him over the years. I had no idea how she managed to blow him off without dismembering him.

And then there was me and my…”problem”.  God, but we were one fucked up family.

And Carlisle thought he was doing us a favor by making us go to high school. For the millionth time, I wondered why we paid any attention to him. It wasn’t like he was our real father or anything. He was more like our Group Home manager. He thought mingling with the humans would be good for our “souls”. Having to be subjected to bullying would “strengthen our character” and build “discipline”. Bullshit.

Whoever came up with the notion that being a vampire was cool should have been shot, drawn and quartered and then roasted on a spit. Oh, it was cool for most of us, just not for me and my pathetic siblings sitting at this table. We were the rejects of the vampire world. Our changes hadn’t gone like they should have and every single one of us was fucked up for all eternity.

You see, vampires are frozen in time from the very moment they're changed. The very instant the venom enters our bloodstream our growth stops. Everything in our body hardens and crystallizes. All deformities, injuries, etc. are supposed to be miraculously healed by the venom, our resultant bodies perfect in every way.

Bullshit again.  We were all, every one of us, royally fucked up.

Jasper had been bitten by Maria while trying to escape on his horse. SNAP. Frozen in time. He was now hopelessly bow-legged for eternity. The venom never straightened out his legs. We rolled beer kegs through them for fun when we got bored.

Alice had been dancing at a recital, twirling around on her toes, her hair flying in all directions. As she’d twirled off the stage, she’d been bitten by some random hobo vampire who then ran off and was never identified. SNAP. Frozen in time. The venom didn’t straighten her hair or make her walk like normal people. She twirled everywhere she went and had people ducking to avoid her spiky locks which stuck out in all directions like she’d shoved her entire body, instead of just a finger, into a light socket. The visions? I don’t know where the fuck she got those, or even how they worked. I called her our “Magic Eight Ball”. When I wanted to amuse myself, I’d pick her up and shake her, turn her upside down and wait for the answer to my question to appear on her ass. It never worked, but it was fun trying. Even Jasper laughed.

There should be a vampire rule #1: Never change a woman after she’s been raped. That would seem like a big fucking DUH to anyone with a brain, but Carlisle had done it. Of course, if everything had worked as it should, Rose would now be one of the most beautiful female vamps in the world. It just sucked for her that it didn’t work. SNAP. Frozen in time. She had raccoon eyes from where Royce had punched her, and her running mascara was eternally tattooed into her marble skin. Her hair was a rat’s nest that no amount of lotions or straighteners could untangle. It was sad to be sure, but if you spent your life moping over everything, you’d drive yourself crazy. I tried to always be positive whenever possible. So, to lighten things up occasionally I’d call her “Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover Girl” and sing the slogan, “Maybe it’s Maybelline” when we passed on the stairs. Emmett didn’t like me teasing her, but with his problems there wasn’t much he could do about it.

About Emmett. Yeah. He’d been in the midst of being mauled by a bear when Miss Lipgloss For Brains (that would be Rose) had carried him off to Carlisle to be changed, and subsequently saved. He’d been torn and bloody, his right arm almost completely severed from his body at the shoulder joint. A deep slash wound from the bear’s claws had zig-zagged up his face like a zipper. SNAP. Frozen in time. He now bore a strange resemblance to Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”. When he got all bad ass and tried to boss me around, I’d just look at him and say, “Why so serious?” It pissed him off, but when your punching arm is just hanging by a marble thread, there’s not much you can do to back up your mouth. Rose had to push his arm back into place and lick it every morning just so it would hold long enough to get him through school. By 3:30, it was severed again. I wondered why she even bothered. Then it occurred to me one day that they both liked it. Emmett and Rose’s sexual shenanigans completely icked me out. But, at least Emmett could get a walk-on role in _The Walking Dead_ if worst came to worst, and he’d get paid for being a weirdo.

Me? I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Royally fucked. Fucked. Fucked. FUCKED.

Carlisle had changed me very early one morning just before I’d awoken.  I’d had a massive morning woodie. SNAP. Frozen in time. Thanks to Carlisle and my fucked up change, I was destined to have a marble boner for the rest of my eternal life. And trust me, that son-of-a-bitch hurt like hell sometimes.

Oh, and did I mention that I was eternally horny, as well?  (Sighing)

The monster was uncontrollable. I hid it from the world beneath a parka. I fucking hated parkas. They made me look fat. But I had no choice. I couldn’t walk around all the time with my bat stuck out in front of me like I was waiting for a curve ball.  So I hid it as best as I could.

Esme asked once if she could use it as a kitchen utensil holder. She offered to knit a nice sleeve for it that matched the kitchen curtains, so I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I was not amused by my Group Home mother’s lack of empathy for my plight. Emmett wanted to use it as a handy place to hang his tools while he was working on his jeep; drill holes in it and screw in little hooks so he could hang his fucking screwdrivers and wrenches on it. Asshole. Alice wanted to hang her five million scarves on it. Jasper suggested it would make a fairly decent joystick if the one on his Xbox broke. Rose just laughed at me when I was at home and trying to relax. I couldn’t’ even let it hang out in the comfort of my own house. Everyone giggled over it.

My family was seriously fucked up.

“I think you’re finally going to get lucky, Edward. She’s still staring at you.”

Emmett’s smarmy voice ripped me out of my depressing reverie. I didn’t really care, but I decided to give the new human the once over just so everyone would shut up.  Our eyes met across the room.

She smiled and silently mouthed the words, “I want to fuck you.”

Underneath my parka, marble twitched and grated against marble in a very satisfying way. I was taken aback by her boldness, so I looked away in confusion.

I wondered if I’d have time to go to the bathroom before English…

 

 

**The Panty-Creaming Michelin Man**

 


	2. Biology? Seriously??

**~ BELLA ~**

  
What a Neanderthal school.  I’d been scheduled for Biology class.

Geez. Were these people fucking serious??? I’d taken Biology in kindergarten back in Phoenix. Hell, I’d chopped up my first frog in preschool! I’d expected to at least be put into a Chemistry class, but noooo. Here I was stuck in the special ed version of science, where the teacher gave out onions (WTF??) as a reward for academic excellence. Was that really the next logical step in the Clallam County School’s reward system?? First, stickers in elementary school and then finally onions in high school?? I didn’t even want to imagine what they gave their kids as a reward in middle school. Maybe condoms with characters from their favorite TV shows on them? Hmmm…actually, it made more sense to give the onions in middle school and the condoms in high school; just remove the cute little cartoon characters and they’d be perfect. But I digress…

And guess who was my little ole’ lab partner?  Nope. Not Michelin Man. Gotcha! Edward wasn’t wearing a white parka today. Today he’d decided on the more earthy tone of dog-shit brown. In my head, I saw Randy from _The Christmas Story_ ; Ralphie’s little brother. Randy’s mother always dressed him in these ridiculous snow suits that made him look like a puffed-up tick. Yep. Edward looked like Randy. I had to fight the urge to blurt out, “I can’t put my arms down!”

Actually, I should stop complaining. Edward was the only good thing about this dumb class, because now I had him all to myself at my lab station. The only thing the rest of the jealous sluts in the room could do was glare at me. (Hehe)

Activation time.  Mission: Get Underneath the Parka was officially underway.

I turned on my best soft and sultry voice. “Hi. I’m Bella. Bella Swan.” I batted my eyelashes to give my introduction that extra little touch of coy and flirty.

He glared at me. The fucker actually glared at me! What the hell was up with that shit?? Couldn’t he tell I was quality skank material? I was head and shoulders above the rest of these sloped-forehead girls in this town.

“Edward Cullen,” he snapped and then promptly dismissed me. And not only did he dismiss me, he scooted away from me as far as he could get.  What a prick.

But I was not one to be deterred. I’d set a goal, remember? And when Bella Swan sets a goal nothing gets in her way until she gets what she wants, and I mean nothing! Not clueless parents, not nosy friends, and certainly not the feelings of others. Hell, not even the paranormal world could stand in my way when I really focused on my goals.

Time for a little small talk to break the ice.

“So, do you think we’ll get that snowstorm they’re predicting?”

Silence.

“Do you like snow?”

Silence.

“Do you even know what snow is?”

Silence.

Okay. My patience with this prick was at an end.  “Oh, I get it. You’re one of those Avox people from The Hunger Games. What did you do to make them cut out your tongue?”

(Hehe)  That got his attention. He gave me this What-The-Hell-Are-You-Talking-About? look, but at least it wasn’t a glare.   _Progress, Bella. This is good._

“I’m dangerous,” he said ominously. “You need to stay away from me.”

I frowned, which is a big no-no when you’re flirting, but I couldn’t help it.  “What’s that got to do with the price of eggs in China?” 

“China has nothing to do with this!” he snapped angrily. The teacher glanced sharply in our direction. Edward lowered his voice. It was ominous again. “I’m dangerous. You’ll stay away from me if you know what’s good for you.”

I snorted. Very un-lady-like, I know, but that slipped out, too. “Do you have an assault rifle tucked up underneath that parka or something? OMG! Are you a school shooter?? That would be soooooo cool to know an emotionally unbalanced criminal personally.”

Yeah, I was being a total snarky bitch, but this guy just made it too easy.

His eyes narrowed. “Do not make fun of me,” he ordered ominously.

And people said I spoke in one tone of voice. Sheesh. This guy’s middle name had to be Ominous. Edward “OMG I’m Ominous” Cullen. (hehe) I was so close to busting out in hysterical laughter, right there in the middle of class.

“And don’t worry about what I have underneath this parka. All you need to know is that I’m dangerous. You’re putting yourself in a very dangerous situation by even talking to me, because I’m very, very dangerous.”

Maybe Edward belonged in the REAL special ed class, because he had a huge grammar problem.  “You do realize that there are a ton of synonyms for “dangerous”, right?”

SNARK.

His red lips…(wait, did he have on lipstick????) I’d have to think about the implications of that later. Right now his lips were a tight, angry slash across his face, like some little toddler had drawn a straight line across it with a Brick Red Crayola.

“I’m deadly, formidable, malignant, menacing, nasty, perilous, risky, terrible, treacherous, and…”  He hesitated, frowning. “…and unhazardous.”

“Uhm…unhazardous is an _antonym_ , Edward,” I pointed out.

“Fucking memory isn’t worth shit,” he muttered softly under his breath, but oh, I heard it. Yes, I did.

I leaned closer and lowered my voice. “Did you just say the eff word? Out loud??”

He leaned away from me, but not before giving me this incredulous look. “Yes, I said the eff word. What’s wrong with that? Everyone says the eff word. What’s the big deal? So I said the eff word, so what??”

Geez. Touchy much?  All of a sudden, I really liked this guy. He spoke my language. No sentence was complete in my book unless it contained a least one “fuck” in it.  I smiled and this time it wasn’t a fake, flirty one. This one was real.

“You and I have a lot in common.”

His eyes widened. “We do?”

“Yes, we do. So, I think we should get to know each other even better. I have an incredible idea! Why don’t you sneak over to my house tonight, after my clueless dad has gone to bed. You can sneak in the window and we can get to know each other in my bedroom. Then when we’re done getting to know each other, you can go back out the window and sneak away into the woods. My clueless dad won’t even have a clue!”

“But,” Edward was stuttering again. “But, I’m dange—I’m terrible and treacherous, Bella. This is not a good idea.”

I stared right into his lavender eyes.  Wait. What the FUCK???? He wears lipstick and has fucking purple eyes?? Something was definitely off with this guy, but I was more interested in what was under the parka than his other apparent and blatantly obvious abnormalities. _Stay focused on your goal, Bella, and don’t sweat the small stuff._

“Not only is it a good idea, it’s a fucking incredible and deliciously sneaky idea.” I grinned and wiggled my eyebrows.

“But your dad is the chief of police.”

I waved that off. “Clueless.”

“Really?”

I nodded. “Insensible, oblivious, unaware, uninformed, unknowing, unmindful. Totally CLUE. LESS.”

“And cognizant,” he added.

“Uhm…no. Cognizant is an antonym.”

“Fuck,” he cursed softly, which made me smile.

“So, you’ll come?” Of course in my mind that word was spelled c-u-m, but he had no way of knowing that. (hehe)

For the first time, he looked scared, like he was truly afraid of me. If he was so fucking dangerous, why did he seem to be afraid of me?? Hmmmm….*thinking*... What possible reason could a guy have to be afraid of sneaking into a hot girl’s bedroom to get laid?

OH

MY

GOD

He was a virgin.

Don’t ask me how I knew, but I just instinctively knew. I think maybe skanks were born with an extra chromosome that alerted us to the presence of sweet, innocent boys just waiting and longing to be deflowered. It warmed by heart to think of my (yes, I now considered him mine) “dangerous” Parka Boy as an innocent babe in arms.  I’d have to proceed with caution and care.

“So, come to my house tonight. After midnight. My room is on the back side of the house, second floor.”

He looked scared out of his mind, but he nodded. He was really going to do it and I was going to find out in record time what was underneath that parka.

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!*

 

**EDWARD "I can't put my arms down!" CULLEN**

 


	3. The Bats and the Beetles

**~ EDWARD ~**

Could my life get any more fucked?

Right as I’d headed up the steps to get ready, I’d been summoned to Carlisle’s office for a “talk”, and all because of one of Alice’s idiotic visions. She’d told me about it earlier and then ran and blabbed it to Carlisle, even though I had expressly told her not to. Bitch. I was going to toilet paper her hair the next time she was deep into one of her reject visions.

Her vision? She’d “seen” me and Bella flying through the towering trees of Washington like a couple of stupid spider monkeys, which was completely absurd. There was no fucking way in hell I could fly, not with a human girl on my back, and a marble rudder that weighed more than both of us put together. (Oh yeah, you’d better believe that thing is heavy. I never mentioned that before because I thought it would be obvious.) I could barely jump from our second floor balcony without going into an uncontrollable barrel roll.

Then suddenly, a thought popped into my mind:   _Spider monkeys are of the genus Ateles are New World monkey in the subfamily Atelinae, family Atelidae. Like other atelines, they are found in tropical forests of Central and South America, from southern Mexico to Brazil. The genus contains seven species, all of which are under threat; the black-headed spider monkey and brown spider monkey are critically endangered._

Now why the hell could I remember that dumb shit but I couldn’t remember that unhazardous was an antonym for dangerous?? Vampire brain power wasn’t all it was touted to be. Carlisle tried to explain it all away as an unfortunate part of our “disabilities”. Well, what was his excuse then?

I couldn’t believe he would even give Alice’s ridiculous mental TV shows any credence. She’d totally missed the Stock Market crashes of 1929, 1987, and 2008. Because of her half-assed gift, the Cullens were now practically penniless and having to depend on Carlisle’s pathetic doctor’s salary, along with the pitiful proceeds from Esme’s new-fangled decorating trend she’d invented.  I pushed that last thought to very depths of my vast, deep, dark, and cavernous vampire mind. Esme’s “amazing new decorating trend” idea was embarrassing and just thinking about it made me shudder.

So, all because my twit of a sister had made an “intellectual” jump from a stupid spider monkey vision to me and Bella getting engaged, married and then having a mutant kid together, I had to have THE talk with Carlisle: the bats and the beetles talk.

“It’s come to my attention that you’re engaged,” Carlisle stated solemnly, his hands clasped together in front of him on his desk.

 _WTF???_  “I’m not engaged,” I answered, rolling my eyes disrespectfully like the juvenile delinquent I was pretending to be. “I just met the girl in Biology class today. Jesus.”

“Don’t take that tone with me,” he said calmly. “I really don’t want to ground you from wearing your parkas, but I will if you can’t talk to me respectfully. Your mother and I have sacrificed a great deal for all of you, and we don’t deserve to be talked to in that manner.”

No one in this house had a sense of humor. I apologized, of course, because I’d die a second death without my parkas.

“This is a very dangerous situation, Edward. I hope you communicated that to the girl.”

“Believe me, I tried. But she got off on this synonym tangent and wouldn’t listen to my warnings. She’s very stubborn.”

He frowned in confusion, but I really didn’t want to go into the whole synonym/antonym thing with him right now. When he realized I wasn’t going to elaborate, he moved on.

“You could kill her with that thing, Edward.”

Well, let’s just be fucking blunt, why don’t we? Let’s not worry ourselves about Edward’s little old self-esteem.

“She’s a human girl. She’s too fragile. Why can’t you find a nice vampire girl to ravish like the rest of us? Why do you always have to rock the boat and be different? For the good of this family, you need to stay away from her.”

And then I was forced to finally face a horrible truth, a truth that I’d been denying since the moment she’d sat down beside of me in Biology.  I couldn’t stay away from Bella Swan even if I wanted to.

“I can’t stay away,” I said softly.

Carlisle stared me down, his beady purple eyes zeroing in on me like a bird of prey on its target.

“Why?” he asked sharply.

I sighed. “She smells like leg of lamb,” I confessed.

Carlisle’s sharp hiss of shock was no surprise. Everyone in the Cullen household knew my leg of lamb story and how it had adversely affected my life. As a human child, leg of lamb had been my all-time favorite dish. I was obsessed with it. My mother—God rest her soul—would prepare it for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, Martin Luther King Day (oh wait…that didn’t exist back then. But if it had, she would have prepared it on that day, too), Columbus Day, Presidents Day, Easter, the first day of summer, the Fourth of July, Halloween, the winter solstice, and sometimes just for the hell of it. Leg of lamb was my life, and I’d been crushed when Carlisle had told me that now that I was a vampire I wouldn’t be able to eat leg of lamb. And even worse, my memories would eventually fade and then completely disappear. I wouldn’t even remember how much I’d loved leg of lamb.

Well, he’d been wrong about that like he’d been wrong about everything else. I could remember every single detail about leg of lamb with perfect HD clarity: the smell, the texture, the taste of it in my mouth, the steam rising from it when it was fresh out of the oven. Everything.

“So you’re saying her smell draws you in?” he asked, his brows were drawn together in intense interest. Uh oh. Carlisle was in “scientific research” mode, now. I was going to be here all fucking evening and miss my date with Bella.

“Yes, it’s irresistible,” I admitted shamefully. “The whole time she was talking to me in class today, I was fighting this overwhelming urge to yank her thigh up to my mouth and rip a bite out of it.”

“Oh dear,” he said, sighing.

‘Oh dear’? What the fuck was that? ‘Oh dear’?? Was that the best he could come up with after all of his scientific pondering???

“She’s your bomwI.”

“My what?”

“Your bomwI. Your singer. That’s a Klingon word, by the way.”

Fuck. I did a mental eye roll this time. Carlisle had a ridiculously juvenile obsession with Star Trek and the Klingons in particular, and he injected it into conversation every chance he got.

“What that means in Klingonese is that her scent sings to you and makes her irresistible to the point that you’ll either kill her or you’ll fall desperately in love with her, get married and have a mutant child with her.”

OMGGGGG!!!! So Alice’s retarded mental leap was right??? Was it truly my destiny to marry this human girl and spawn a mutant??  How could I convince the people in this house that all I wanted was to GET LAID??!!! I didn’t have any interest in getting married or having kids. Controlling my leg of lamb attraction wouldn’t be that difficult (I didn’t think). All I wanted was just to stick my marble in an actual girl for once and see what it felt like. Was that too much to fucking ask???

“I gotta go,” I mumbled. I had to get out of that office before I said something that would get my parkas ripped away from me for the rest of eternity. “I’m going to be late.”

“Go slow, Edward. Take your time. And BE CAREFUL.”

At that very moment, Esme burst into Carlisle’s office. “Oh, thank goodness I caught you before you left! I made this for you to give to Bella.”

I rolled my eyes again, but thankfully, my back was to Carlisle. “Esme, it’s inappropriate to give Bella jewelry at this point. We hardly know each other.”

She winked. “Well, you never know how a date is going to go. If things turn out nicely, you have this token of your appreciation to give her.”

Oh good God. Token of appreciation?? Have I mentioned that my family is seriously fucked up?  I took the piece of jewelry and stuffed it in my pants pocket and quickly got the hell out of there. I had a lot of decisions to make before my big evening.

* * *

 

What to wear?

I stood at the entrance of my walk-in closet and pondered that very thing. The bugs and the beetles conversation had been a whole lot of useless. I’d already kind of figured out on my own that a fragile human vagina wouldn’t be able to withstand a grinding from my pestle. (DUH) I’d also come to the conclusion that my fantasy of getting laid tonight was just that…a fantasy. But, I was still going to keep our date. Maybe Bella knew some tricks I didn’t. She seemed a lot more experienced at such things.

I already knew which parka I was wearing: my Patagonia Torrentshell Grecian Blue in Big and Tall size. I’d gotten it for a dream on eBay. So, the parka wasn’t the problem. If Carlisle had really wanted to do something useful, he could have helped me decide which of these BDSM contraptions I should wear underneath my parka.

Just so you know, there is no pair of normal underwear on this planet that will satisfactorily restrain my marble dick. Trust me, I’ve tried them all. It was Emmett and Rose who’d turned me on to the BDSM Stockroom. I’d been able to adapt many of their leather and steel restraints for my own use to control my “problem”. Their bondage tape was an excellent choice for everyday wear. (I highly recommend it.) It didn’t rip off every hair on my body when I removed it, and it was surprisingly strong. Wrap a few feet of that tape around my hips and the marble monster was plastered flat against my stomach, out of sight, out of mind. (If only.)

Then I realized that if something extraordinary did happen in Bella’s bedroom and I actually got lucky, she’d have to take all that extra time to unfasten all the hooks and ties of my restraining belt. *sigh* Or unwind all of the feet of bondage tape from around my hips. *another sigh*

Was sex this complicated for everybody??

To fuck with it. I decided to go commando.

 

 **Author’s Note:** Sorry we didn’t make it to Bella’s house this chapter. Blame Alice and Carlisle. We would have made it to the bedroom scene if they hadn’t interfered (especially Alice). Can that pesky twit not keep her nose out of anyone’s business??? Smh The icy lemon will be next! I promise!

P.S. ~ I don't know about you, but I'm wondering if there is enough skank inside of Bella to get rid of that scowl on Edward's face.  Will he finally smile (at least ONCE! sheesh) after his trip to Bella's den of iniquity??


	4. Lemon Popsicles

**~ EDWARD ~**

It took a little longer for me to get to Bella’s house than it should have, because I was preoccupied with devising a careful plan for how the evening should proceed. Carlisle had stopped me AGAIN before I’d left the house, and reminded me that I could never let Bella know my true nature, or else *shudder* The Volturi *end shudder* would get pissed and blast us out of existence with their vampire ray guns.

Carlisle really needed to find a new fandom. The Klingons had the ray guns. The stupid Volturi didn’t have anything but bad taste in clothes. Emmett insisted they were just a bunch of retro gay guys who had an obsession with flowing cloaks, and that Jane was their fag hag. (Yes, Emmett had his witty moments on occasion.) We all agreed with him, all except for Carlisle, who was horrified that we’d make fun of the vampire world’s governing body. *rolling eyes*

In my opinion, the Volturi needed to update their Terms of Service. The world was full of purple-eyed vampires with skin the color of Clorox snow and you’re telling me the human population had no idea we existed??? How fucking stupid would humans have to be not to notice us?? Carlisle seriously needed to beam himself back to the right galaxy and see things for how they really were. Of course, I was just a 108-year-old virgin with a defective vampire memory chip and a monstrous granite dick. What did I know?

I think Bella’s sneakiness was rubbing off on me, though. I’d devised a very clever way to tell her I was a vampire without actually _telling_ her I was a vampire. We were going to play a word association game, and if she guessed it, then it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

I finally arrived at her house and easily found her room. I gazed up in anticipation and smiled when I saw she’d left the window open for me. Now to get up there.  It didn’t take me five seconds to realize that going commando had been a MAJOR mistake. In its natural state, my marble acted more like a wildly gyrating joystick than a dick. My pants alone weren’t enough to control it. The damned thing threw me completely off balance every time I tried to leap up the side of her house.

“Edward? Is that you?” Bella leaned out of the window and called down to me.

Well, duh. Unless she had another boyfriend who did half-rolls and 90 degree vertical drops off the side of her house and ended up splattered all over the ground, yes it was me. “I’m having trouble getting up there,” I yelled, as softly as I could.

“Climb the tree,” she yelled back.

*sigh* What was the use in being a vampire if you couldn’t leap tall buildings in a single bound? Any sub-human Neanderthal could climb a fucking tree. It was humiliating, but I did it anyway.

And to add insult to injury, her window was a bit too narrow for my parka. She suggested I take it off. I suggested she grab my shoulders and pull like a son-of-a-bitch. She giggled and began tugging me through the window, centimeter by agonizing centimeter. Everything was going great until I got hung up, and just so you know, it wasn’t my parka that had gotten snagged on the lip of that windowsill.

“Wait. I’m hung,” I stuttered in frustration.

She laughed softly. “Oh God, I hope so.”

My marble twitched wildly, which, thankfully, was enough to unsnag me from the windowsill. She gave one last pull and I shot through the window like a newborn baby and tumbled onto the floor.  I stood up and looked around. “So this is your room?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” she answered sighing.

Bella was right when she’d said we had a lot in common. Her bedspread was purple, my eyes were purple. She had a Commodore 64 computer, and so did I. A strand of tiny white lights were draped across the ceiling over her bed. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only crazy person who strung my Christmas lights inside of my house instead of outside. And, OMG! She had a copy of _Fifty Shades of Lavender_ on her bedside table!! (I’d gotten one as a free gift with my last purchase from the BDSM Stockroom.) The only thing that really bothered me was that she had a picture of a flamethrower on the wall by the door. What was up with that shit??

She tried to take my coat, but I shyly refused, insisting I felt more comfortable with it on. We gravitated to her bed and sat down beside of each other. I smiled at her. She winked and licked her lips.  Oh fuck. Was I really ready for this??

“Let’s kiss.”  
  
Boy, she wasn’t wasting any time! She closed her eyes and leaned into me, basting me with the mouth-watering scent of freshly baked lamb.

“Bella, there’s something you need to know about me first.” I felt it only right she know my true nature before things went any further between us, no matter what Carlisle said.

She sat back and opened her Hershey Kisses eyes (the brown ones, not those idiotic white and brown striped ones).  “You mean the fact that you’re a vampire?”

My mouth dropped open. “You know???”

She laughed at my shock. “I stopped by the library on the way home from school and did some Internet research.”

“We’re on the Internet????!” _Oh fucking shit! I wonder if Carlisle knows about this?!_

“Edward.” She snickered. “Haven’t you ever Googled yourself? I typed in ‘Edward Cullen’ and it told me everything about you." She ticked off each detail with her fingers as she went along. “You were born in Chicago June 20, 1901, died of Spanish influenza, but obviously you didn’t really die.” She rolled her eyes and snorted. “You’re one of the purple-eyed American species of vampire, not to be confused with the crimson-eyed species of Europe or the pink-eyed species of Asia. You’re a vegetarian. It’s incredibly noble and sweet, by the way, that you don’t scarf down people. That would be soooooo uncool. You’re very pale, have cold skin and you can’t go out in the sun because you twinkle like a gay rainbow. Oh, and your government headquarters is in Volterra, Italy and your head vampire is this dude named Aro who looks like a lounge singer from Vegas.”

She stopped and smiled.  “And then I called Jessica and it turns out everyone at school already knew you were vampires, too. They had bets riding on how long it would take me to figure it out.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

She shook her head and grinned.

 _THANK. YOU. GOD!!_ Now we wouldn’t have to go through all that spinning around in circles or that horrible “Say it, say it out loud” shit. What a relief! I’d been dreading that part because of my equilibrium issues.

“I’d better turn off the lights or Charlie will be up here to see why I’m still awake.”

She got up to take care of that while I was still trying to process the fact that the whole world knew that we existed. I wondered what Carlisle was going to think when he found out. He’d probably shit a nagh. (Nagh is the Klingon word for “stone”. They don’t have a word for “brick”, so apparently they shit stones, not bricks, when they’re shocked. And yes, I’m aware that I know way too much Klingon vocabulary, but that’s Carlisle’s fault.)

“So, you’re not afraid of me?”

She snickered. “Edward, seriously?? You twinkle like a gay rainbow. You’re not dangerous. “

She had a point, so I let it drop.  She sat down beside me again, and breathed her luscious breath all over my face. I was drowning in honey, lemon, garlic, and the aroma of freshly chopped pecans. _Mmmmmm…_

“Take off your parka, Edward.”

“I…I’d rather not,” I stuttered.

“Can you at least unzip it?”

I could do that. It was completely dark in her bedroom now anyway. She wouldn’t be able to see the monster I had beneath my coat. No matter what she said, I was still afraid she’d take one look at my granite dick and run from the room screaming, finally realizing that everything I’d said about being dangerous was really true.

She touched my leg and a jolt of electricity shot up it and went straight to my crotch. Wow. She either had a Deluxe Joy Buzzer in her hand, or that shock meant we were destined to fall in love, get married and have a mutant kid together, like everyone said.  Her fingers slowly walked up my thigh. I leaned back on my hands and let my eyes drift shut, as they inched closer and closer. Then her hand started quivering, vibrating, and sending these amazing minute shockwaves of pleasure up my marble shaft.

I groaned. “Ohhhh, that feels so good, Bella. Don’t stop.”

“Edward,” she murmured. “I realize you have a lot of… _abnormalities_ …since you’re a vampire and all, so don’t get mad at me for asking this, but, it’s pitch black in here and I can’t see a thing. Do you by chance have a square, vibrating cock?”

My eyes shot open and the realization hit me. “Shit, that’s my cell phone. Hold on.” I rummaged around in my pocket and dug it out. “I have a message. Let me check it right quick.”

I heard her sigh in the darkness, and knew my window of opportunity was dangerously narrowing with every second that passed. I hastily pecked my way to the correct screen and read the message. It was from Alice:

**_Just had a vision. Your mutant kid’s name is going 2 be Charlieesssmeereneecarlierenesme, or something like that. It was fuzzy._ **

WTF? Like I really cared about that shit right now??? I turned off my phone and tossed it on the bed behind me. Back to business.

Her fingers lightly ghosted across, up and down, and diagonally along the length of my dick, through the fabric of my pants. Fuck. So that was what “ghosted” felt like. No wonder romance writers overused that word. It felt fucking AMAZING!

“Can I unzip your pants?” she asked softly in the darkness.

“Oh, pleeeeeease do,” I groaned.

She fumbled expertly with my zipper, and my pants were unzipped and spread open in record time. And even though it was dark in the room, my super-acute vampire vision (it was the one thing that seemed to work right) saw her head dipping slowly to my crotch.  Oh God. She was going to give me a blow job. _Lick it, Bella. Lick it good…_

She licked it good, all right. She was loving it, too—beating my thighs with her fists and making these sexy noises that made me twitch all over. 

“Ehwartthth! I thung ith thuk!”

“Oooh, baby, I know,” I crooned, digging my fingers into her hair. “It feels soooo fucking good. Don’t stop.”

Then she sucker punched me hard in the side of my parka. “I. THUKING. THUNG. ITH. THUK, OO THUTHER THUCKER!!!”

Oh GOD!! Her tongue was stuck!! Why the hell hadn’t I realized this would happen? Like everyone else in the whole universe, I’d seen _The Christmas Story_ five million eight-hundred and eleven times! I should have remembered that part! Stupid piece of shit memory.

“What do I do???” I asked, panicked.

She jabbed her arm in the general direction of her bedside table. “Thlass uh thwather. Uth tho uth thwather un ith.”

What?? This shit was worse than Klingonese! I couldn’t understand a single word she was saying!

“WATHER!!!!” She violently jabbed her arm behind her again, pointing at her bedside table.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. *head wall* There was a glass of water on her nightstand. That was how they’d gotten Flick’s tongue loose from that pole. It was all coming back to me now.  We very carefully scooted our way across the bed until we reached the nightstand. I dribbled a few drops of water at a time on her tongue and within a few seconds, she was able to pull it off.

“Are you all right, Bella? Are you in pain?”

She waved me away and smoothed down her hair. “I’m fine. Thith isth no worsth than when I hadth my thongue piercethd. I’ll be fine. I can handthle thith.”

“Maybe you should just use your hand,” I suggested hesitantly.

She smiled, which was reassuring. “I have anth idthea!”

She raced quietly out of the room and was back in under a minute with a small jar of something in her hand. She explained to me (in her cute little sexy lisp) that Charlie suffered from cold feet and hands, especially when he stayed out late fishing, and that this cream warmed them up quite nicely in just a few minutes. She assured me it would work on dicks, too. I didn’t want to know how she knew that. (Oh. DUH. It was written on the outside of the jar. It was reassuring to know my sweet Bella wasn’t a slut.)

She slathered the cream all over my dick and OH GOD that felt wonderful. It was warm and made me tingle in all the right places. Then she started moving both hands up and down and up and down, squeezing and loosening her grip, up and down and all the fucking around, and her hands were so warm and my dick was so slick and hot and OH GOD my rock sacks were tightening and tingling and she was sliding her fingers up and down and up and down, squeeze/release, squeeze/release, and I felt it start way down deep, crackling and clinking and OH JESUS FUCKING GOD I was coming!! I was a fucking LION, the king of the vampire forest and I fucking ruled the WORLD, baby!!!! I was ROARING with joy and pleasure and manly omnipotence! I was cumming, OH GOD I was cumming and it was surging up my marble shaft like a cold, majestic avalanche in reverse, and then the ice cold juices of my vampire manhood spewed forth from my dick like Niagara Falls.

Click.

Click. Click.

Clickclickclickclickclick

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.

I’d never cum so much in my life! It was the most earth-shattering experience of my entire existence.

“What wasth that noisthe?”

“I came, Bella. Oh, God, it was so good, so fucking good. Thank you.” I planted tender kisses all in her hair and along her forehead and warm cheeks.

She pulled out of my arms and left me feeling very alone and empty. Suddenly the room was flooded with light and she was standing in the middle of the floor, frowning.  “Why are there whithe marbthles all over my floor?”

Well, this was awkward. “Uh…that’s my…you know…my cum.”

Her mouth dropped open. She looked at the floor and then looked at me, her eyes wide with wonder. “Thath ith the coolesth thing I’ve ever seen, Edward.”

“Really?” Frankly, I was shocked she hadn’t laughed her ass off at it.

Then she wanted to know if all male vampires came marbles, and I had to tell her the whole sordid story and explain that because of the circumstances of how I was changed, I had an eternal boner and my cum was marbles. As far as I knew, everyone else’s cum looked like the stuff in a slushie before they added the syrup (not that I’d personally witnessed that, mind you. I was going on second-hand information.)

“Don’t worry. I’ll clean up after myself.”  I straightened my clothes and then whipped out my marble bag and began scooping them up from the floor.

She giggled and rolled her eyes. “You keep your cum??”

I straightened up and sighed at the thought of having to explain this ridiculous part of my life to her. It was fucking embarrassing. “I have to, Bella. I’m 108 years old and that’s a lot of hand jobs. If I left my cum lying around everywhere I went, then the world would be nothing but mountains of white marbles.”

She shook her head and snickered. “Whath do you do with them all?”

Shit. She would have to ask the one thing I did not want to discuss, but something about those M & M eyes of hers made me blab it anyway. “I keep them in a storage building at the house.” I sighed again. “Esme uses them for her arts and crafts and this stupid decorating trend she’s invented. She glues them all over table tops and driftwood; she paints stupid little pictures on them and calls them “pet marbles”; she bags them up and sells them for fish tank rocks; makes jewelry out of them. Stupid shit like that. But it’s income and every little dime helps, I suppose.”

Bella choked back a laugh and it all sounded so ridiculous, even to me, that I ended up laughing with her.

“Your family soundths like they’re seriousthly fucked up,” she said, snickering.

Boy, did she have that right!

She hugged me and we both realized it was late and she, at least, needed to get some sleep. And since the evening had ended on such a high note, I decided to take Esme’s advice.

“I have something to give you.”

“You don’th have to do that, Edward.”

“I want to.”

I dug the piece of jewelry out of my pocket and clasped it around her tiny wrist. It was one pristine white marble clasped delicately inside of a thin, sterling silver cage.

She smiled and thanked me.

 

_And so the lion fell in love with the leg of lamb…_

 

\--------------------------

 

All I can say is, ain’t capitalism great? Thank goodness we have a product like this available on the market for people (and horny vampires) who need it!


	5. Houston, We Have a Problem

**~ BELLA ~**

“Morning, Bells. Sleep well?” Clueless Dad pecked me on top of the head as he passed the table.

 _Oh yeah. I slept like a baby._ *sarcasm* My tongue had a freezer burn on it the size of Seattle and on top of that I was orgasm-deprived.  “Yeah, slept like a log,” I murmured.

Edward had gotten his marbles off, (and I was happy for him, truly I was) but my little O-Girls were still tingling and extremely unsatisfied. I needed to get laid, and soon.

“Why are you talking funny?” Charlie asked, focusing his attention away from his eggs and on me.

“I licked a popsicle straight out of the freezer. Not one of my better ideas. Freezer burn.”

Charlie grimaced. “Ow. Not sure what you can do for that.”

Uh, DUH. Not licking any more popsicle dicks would be a great way to start down the road to health and healing, which of course opened a whole other can of worms. How the fuck was I going to get laid?? Edward was obviously not an option. He was okay for hand jobs (for him) and maybe some clit jobs (for me) if we used enough cream, but for anything else?? UGH. Getting a massive freezer burn inside my warm, moist places was not my idea of a fun date. I’d read the fine print on the warming cream jar and it said “Not for Internal Use”, and last time I checked my precious vagussy was still inside of my body. *sigh*

And just so you know, (although I’m sure you intuitively know this already) a slut’s vagussy is her most valuable asset. You have to pamper and powder that baby and protect it from harm, because a slut with a defective vagussy is as useless as a kickstand on a tank. You don’t stay at the top of that condom heap for very long if your girly parts are out of commission.

“Are you sure you slept well?” Charlie was looking at me strangely again. “I heard some weird noises last night—moaning and clicking noises.”

Oh fuck. Had the Clue Fairy visited him during the night and left a little gift under his pillow??  “I didn’t hear anything.”

“Hmmph.” He sighed and sat back in his chair, scratching his head and obviously thinking. “I wonder if maybe this house was built on top of an old Indian burial ground. That moaning sound could have been a long-dead chieftain and those clicking noises his bones hitting together. I think our house is haunted, Bells. What do you think?”

I think the Clue Fairy had completely deleted the Swan family out of her GPS a long time ago. She hadn’t left any little gifts for my dad OR my mom in years.  I shrugged. “Maybe you could ask Billy. He’d probably know.”

Charlie frowned and then smiled. “That is a great idea. I’ll put that on my list of things to do today. Oh, and speaking of the Blacks, they’re having a big bonfire tonight and I think you should go. Jake heard you were back in town and he’s anxious to see you.”

Awwwwwwwww, my sweet Jakey. My little Jake-Jake. My punky little JJ with his scrawny little knock-knees and his cute little scabs all over them. We’d played together as kids when I’d visited during the summers. He’d broke my mud pie cherry and we’d been fast friends ever since. We used to curl up on his couch and read our favorite book together over and over and over: _The Poky Little Puppy._ *sigh* I hadn’t seen him in years (mom had gotten the bright idea to stick me in these idiotic “self-improvement” camps during the summer *rolling eyes*). So, I kind of got all mushy inside at the thought of hooking back up with my homeboy bestie.

“Sounds like fun.”

“So you’ll go?” Charlie seemed shocked. When I nodded, he breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. Jake will be glad to hear that.” Then he grinned a very un-Charlie-like grin which made me instantly suspicious. “And I think you’ll be surprised at how Jake has changed.”

Well, of course he’d changed. Both of us were deep in the throes of puberty. I imagined he’d grown some nice boys to go with my awesome girls. And then just the thought of Jake’s boys made me blush. Damn it! My vagussy was OUT. OF. CONTROL! Jakey was my bestie and you just didn’t think of your bestie that way. _Geez. Down girl!!_

"So, what’s on _your_ agenda today, besides finding out if our house is haunted?”

He got up from the table and plucked his jacket from the hook near the door, strapped on his gun belt and adjusted it. He smiled and rolled his eyes. “This is Forks, Bells. Nothing exciting ever happens here, which is exactly how I like it. I’ll probably get some coffee and donuts, play a few games of Spider Solitaire, mosey on down to La Push for awhile, get some lunch at the diner, boring stuff like that.” He pecked me on the head again. “Have a good day at school.”

I planned on it, but not before I did a little Internet research on my homeboy first.

 

**++++ MISSION CONTROL ++++MISSION CONTROL++++**

**** WARNING: THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY VAMPIRE ATTACK LEVEL FOR FORKS: (ORANGE) HIGH**

**MAXIMUM SECURITY CLEARANCE IS REQUIRED BEYOND THIS POINT!!**

**Please place your hand on the scanner so that your fingerprints can be verified.**

***cheesy electronic noises***

**YOU HAVE BEEN VERIFIED AND CLEARED TO ENTER MISSION CONTROL**

**HAVE A NICE DAY. ;)**

 

“Houston, we have a problem! A HUGE fucking, big-assed, MONUMENTAL problem!!”  Charlie stormed through Billy’s front door and sent it crashing back against the wall.

“Damn, Charlie. Use your battering ram next time. It won’t make as much noise.” Billy snorted, rolled his eyes and his wheelchair over to the door and slammed it shut. “And how many times have I told you my name isn’t Houston? It’s BILLY!”

Charlie waved him off and stalked back and forth across the small mission control room, (which doubled as Billy’s living room on normal days…you know…those days when the whole fucking world as we knew it wasn’t about to end).

“It’s Bella! I’ve gotta do something, Billy! She’s taken up with those freaky purple-eyed Cullens!!”

“Charlie, calm down. Have a seat and start at the beginning.”

Charlie growled in frustration and plopped down on the saggy sofa. “She’s boinking that stupid, freaky Cullen boy.”

“Which one? If I recall, they all fit into that general category.”

“EDWARD! The one with the John Holmes concrete cock that he tries to hide under those parkas!” he shouted, bunching his hands into tight fists. “Every kid in Forks knows to stay the hell away from those weirdos and my daughter is in town two days, TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS, and she’s already latched onto one of them! I tell you, Billy, I’m just a few seconds away from calling in a S.W.A.T. team to take those vampire fuckers out once and for all! They’re a danger to this town, and I’ve allowed them to hang around here much too long!”

“A danger to this town??” Billy horse laughed. “The Cullens aren’t even a danger to the local gnat population. You’re over-reacting, Charlie.”

“I’m NOT over-reacting! I have proof! I have it all on camera. Edward snuck into her room last night and they did the dirty. I heard it, Billy. It sounded like they were shooting porno in there: moaning and groaning and I even heard him cum. Doesn’t the idiot know that hardwood floors are like echo chambers?? I heard his marbles bouncing around everywhere and it took every bit of strength in me not to bust down that door and take a cement saw to his ass!”

“You have it on camera??” Billy asked, shocked. “You have a home security system? Since when do you need one of those??”

Charlie rolled his eyes at Billy’s naiveté. His daughters, Rebecca and Rachel, had been the proverbial good girls—little angels in long, dark braids. Bella was a whole other ball of wax. (Wait, wax comes in balls???? Where the fuck have I been??)

“Who has been raising my daughter since the divorce??” He gave Billy time to ponder that little tidbit before continuing. “That’s right. Renee. Sorry to say, but my ex-wife is a hormonal over-sexed cougar and her DNA overpowered mine. Bella is just like her. So, when I got word I was going to be her custodial parent from now on, I installed high-definition hidden cameras all around the outside of the house and implanted a GPS tracking device in the inner workings of that piece of shit Rabbit of hers. She thinks I’m totally clueless, but I know everything she’s doing.”

“Hey now! First things first. That was Jake’s Rabbit and he slaved over that thing to get it working so she could have it. Don’t call it a piece of shit. That’s a quality automobile right there. And secondly…” Billy extended his palm and grinned. “Give me five for the HD hidden cameras. That’s some serious security shit. I told you The Homeland Security Stockroom was good, didn’t I? I’ve used their products for years to keep an eye on my Jake.”

“The Men in Black don’t have nothin’ on us.” Charlie slapped Billy’s hand and grinned back. They were a good team, and between the two of them, they’d kept the town of Forks safe for its citizens; Charlie with his high-placed police connections and Billy with his pack. Although, if Charlie were to be honest, the pack hadn’t really pulled its weight in keeping Forks clean of vampires. But that wasn’t really Billy’s fault. When it came to the mysteries of DNA, some things were just out of your control…

“You haven’t heard the worst of it,” Charlie continued. “He gave her one of his marbles. She’s wearing it around her wrist on a bracelet.”

“Ohhhhh fuck. This really IS serious,” Billy said solemnly. “You know what that means, right?”

“Of course I know what it means!! I’ve done my research, Billy. I’m a police officer, remember??” Charlie shot up from the saggy sofa and started pacing again. “It means he’s targeted my daughter and he’s going to attempt to change her into concrete, marry her and have a mutant kid with her, not necessarily in that order!” Charlie stopped and whirled around, staring down at Billy in panic. “I can’t let that happen. I’ll call in the FBI and have them investigated. I’ll contact Homeland Security and have them put on a terrorist watch list. I’ll call in the DEA, the USDA, and the NAACP. Hell, I’ll even call in those retarded gay Volturi if I have to! I’ll do whatever it takes, Billy, to make sure I don’t end up having a mutant grandkid!”

“Well, I doubt you’ll have to go to the extreme of contacting their governing body. Just bring her down here and let Jake keep her occupied. He’ll take her mind off that Cullen freak in no time flat.” Billy grinned and nodded confidently.

Charlie managed to hide his grimace from his friend. Sure, Bella and Jake had grown up together and were childhood friends, but things change. Bella sure had. Jake had, too. Charlie wasn’t sure if bringing Bella to the rez wasn’t akin to jumping from the frying pan into the fire. But at least if Bells and Jake hooked up, he wouldn’t have some purple-eyed cinderblock for a grandkid. But come to think of it, he wasn’t really sure what Bella and Jake would have either. Quileute DNA was some seriously weird shit. But, when it all came down to it, it was a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils, and the lesser of two evils was definitely Jacob Black.

Maybe.  At least he hoped so.

 

**** WARNING: THE HOMELAND SECURITY VAMPIRE ATTACK LEVEL FOR FORKS:**

**(BLUE) GUARDED**

**YOU ARE NOW LEAVING MISSION CONTROL**

**++++MISSION CONTROL++++MISSION CONTROL++++**

 

**~ BELLA ~**

_Oh yeah. Snap to attention bitchez and hoorz._ * zig-zag finger snap and attitude head roll * _Bella Swan, the new head skeeze at Forks High School has arrived._ I waltzed into the cafeteria. Eyes followed my progress across the room and I sucked up every moment of my newfound glory. You could almost hear the collective curse of every skank in the room when I sat down beside Edward at our OWN couple table.

_That’s right. Uh huh. I’ve been underneath the parka and you haven’t. I’ve touched the inner God. I’ve licked it, stroked it, and I survived. And how many of you sluts have your very own cum bracelet? Take THAT bitchez!_

Even Jessica was dumbfounded, but I had to respect her for giving me a defeated smile, along with a well-earned thumbs-up. These chicks had no idea what I’d gone through to get where I was now. I deserved the adoration, and their silent curses were just icing on my cupcake. I was basking, fucking basking baby, in the warm glow of my elevated status, when Edward yanked me back to reality.

“How is your tongue?”

I smiled, threw in some flirtatious coy and batted my eyelashes again. “Oh, it’s just fine.” I swiped my tongue across my lips and silently giggled with delight when Edward started squirming in his seat.

“I have something to tell you,” he said, dropping his voice so low I was forced to lean forward to hear him.

“What?”

“I love you, and I want to be with you forever.”

His deep purple eyes gazed into mine. Wait. WHAT. THE. FUCK??? Did I hear him right??? “Did you just say the eff word?”

He smiled. “Forever. Yes, I said that most wonderfulest of all eff words, that glorious word that evokes visions of eternal bliss, that immensely beautiful and magical word in all fairy tales, that---“

“Edward, uh…” For once in my short, teenage human life, I was rendered speechless.

“Come to my house tonight and I’ll change you,” he said softly. “It’s a simple, but very romantic, process. I just give you a tiny little hickey on your neck while I bury my hard, throbbing marble shaft as deep inside of your slick, warm goddess as it will go. My luscious venom will flow into your bloodstream through your hickey and burn hot with fiery passion as it rushes through your veins, while I slowly slide in and out of your molten core. My icy cum will flow into your goddess like rushing water from a cold mountain stream. It will be the most invigorating and spiritual experience of your life.”

Did Edward write fanfiction smut in between providing his mother with craft supplies??? This guy had completely lost his fucking marbles!

“Edward,” I started, chuckling nervously. He’d thrown me completely off-balance, which did NOT happen very often, trust me. I frantically searched my brain for a good reason to turn down his hickey. “I like being human, and besides I’ll miss the prom if you change me. The prom is an important rite of passage.” (Especially for a skank who needed to keep her top spot on the condom pile.)

Edward sneered. “Proms are juvenile exhibitions of immaturity.” His voice softened. “You’re better than that.”

No, I wasn’t! I fucking thrived on juvenile exhibitions of immaturity! I already had my slit-down-to-my-clit, backless, strapless, see-through slut gown on layaway!

“I want to get married and have kids someday,” I said, grasping at straws now, because I really hated spoiled, squalling kids and had no desire to create my very own devil spawn to ooh and ahh over.

“We can get married, Bella,” he said, chuckling softly. “And Alice has even had a vision of the beautiful child we’re destined to have together. Her name—or his, we’re not really sure of the sex yet—is going to be Charlieesssmeereneecarlierenesme. Isn’t that so unique and adorable?”

Charlieesssme…what???? What an idiotic name! We’d have to shorten that thing waaaaaay down to something manageable. Maybe Charmie? Esmerina? Carlie Rae? Renesmee?? Personally, they all sounded stupid to me. Even though Edward was kind of sweet and a whole lot of innocent, there was no way in hell I was going to spit out a baby at 17 with him. I wasn’t about to star in the second season of _16 and Pregnant._

“I’m sorry, but I have plans for tonight,” I said in my best I’m-Not-Changing-My-Mind voice. “Maybe next weekend.” Maybe I could keep putting him off until I was old and gray and had one foot in the grave.

“What plans could be more important than becoming my eternal lover, Bella?”

Oh boy. He was hurt. *shrugs* Well, that was just tough toenails. I was a whore and we flitted from conquest to conquest like a starving bee in an English flower garden. This girl had other fish to fry. Literally. "The Blacks are having a fish fry tonight down at La Push. Jacob Black is a good friend and I haven’t seen him in years.”

Edward’s face turned a cloudy shade of white, which meant it was still as white as snow, but just a little dingier, more like a two-day-old snow.  “You need to stay away from that reservation,” he said ominously. “The Quileutes, and Jacob Black specifically, are very dangerous.”

Oh fuck. We were back to that ominous shit again, and Edward’s definition of ‘dangerous’ was this side of retarded. Jacob Black was a sweet boy, all smiles and laughter, so giving and unselfish, humble, passionate, loving, strong, persistent, hopeful, loyal…geez, I could go on and on forever on how perfect my sweet and innocent little Jake-Jake was. Edward could tell I didn’t believe him.

“You don’t know anything about them, Bella.”

“Yes, I do!” I shot back, my neck hairs standing straight up in defiance. “I know Jacob is a Native American of the Quileute tribe in La Push, near Forks, Washington, and that he undergoes a transformation that allows him to morph into a wolf. He tends to wear only cut-off style jeans or shorts with no shirt, since his clothes get ruined during his transformation. When he’s a wolf, his fur is reddish-brown. His body temperature is warmer than the average human’s and at its normal level is 108.9 degrees Fahrenheit. He has sharp teeth that can cut through the hard bodies of vampires with ease…”

I left the rest of that statement hanging for Edward to think about. It had turned out that my sweet Jakey, my cute little Jake-Jake, my adorable punky JJ was an ass-kicking werewolf now. Bad-Ass in Black. Jacob Black was more dangerous to Edward and the Cullens than he would ever be to me.

Then Edward laughed. He fucking laughed so fucking loud that the whole fucking cafeteria fucking turned around to fucking see what the fucking fuck was going on! WTF?? (Sorry. I tend to overuse the eff word when I’m highly pissed.)

“Who in the world told you that dumb shit??”

I bristled. “I fucking looked it up on the FUCKING Internet!”

He sat back in his chair and grinned. “You looked it up on Wikipedia, didn’t you?”

I nodded. Everyone used Wikipedia! So fucking what??

“Even I know Wikipedia is completely useless as a reference source. Carlisle nearly got his balls sued off because he tried to perform an appendectomy using Wikipedia’s step-by-step instructions. All that junk about Jacob Black you read? It’s made up, Bella. Hell, they probably posted that shit on there just to make themselves look good. You need to stay here in Forks with me, where you’re safe.”

“No,” I shot back stubbornly. “I’m going to La Push tonight and there’s nothing you can do to stop me, so don’t even try disconnecting those cable thingies underneath my car hood, because I’m way ahead of you on that one. I super glued them and hung garlic all over them. You can’t touch them or you’ll die an agonizing vampire death all over again.”

He shook his head. “Garlic doesn’t affect me. You’re getting your vampire lore confused. Anyway, I’m not going to try and stop you from seeing Jacob Black.” He rose from the table and smiled sadly down at me. “But, when you realize just how dangerous he is, you’re going to want my help. Unfortunately, I can’t cross the treaty line to come to your rescue. If you go to La Push tonight, you’re on your own with that flamethrower.”

Flamethrower??

Edward turned his back to me and walked away before I could get him to explain.

What the fuck was a flamethrower?? Wikipedia hadn’t said anything about flamethrowers!!

 

 

 **Jake-Jake and Bells with their favorite book.** **Awwwwwwwwwwww, aren't they cute! *cooing noises***  
(OMG, what in the hell is going on with the front of punky little JJ's shorts??? LMAO! Looks like someone got a little out of control with the Play Doh. Bella maybe??)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author Note ~ January 17, 2013**
> 
> I finally had to accept the fact that I cannot continue with this story. Parody is hard to write, and you have to be in the right frame of mind to do it properly. (At least I do.) It was right after the last chapter that real life pulled the rug right out from under me. Things are much better in my life now than they were then, but I can't seem to get back to where I was mentally with this story. *sigh*
> 
> I dislike writing wolves. And frankly, I don't see how any parody of the wolfpack could even come close to being as funny as what I've already written. Edward and the Cullens are just too damned easy to make fun of. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and laughing with me on the five chapters I completed. I apologize if I disappointed any of my readers by stopping at this point.


End file.
